THE OPPENHEIMER REPORT (July 13, 2020)
The other day, I got my first "COVID-19 haircut". Yes, Shauna cut my hair. It had been many months since my last haircut and it was getting pretty unruly. A few weeks ago, I posted a self-deprecating selfie with my long hair sticking straight out like Bozo The Clown. I suggested that my appearance was beginning to scare our new puppy. Someone on Facebook commented that I looked like that crazy professor in the movie Back To The Future. I guess I asked for that. I've been postponing my haircut because I did not want to go through the hassle of attempting to book an appointment with an overbooked professional. Never particularly fastidious about my grooming, I was shocked by my own appearance when I recently passed by a mirror. My procrastination was becoming increasingly problematic, so I implored my beautiful wife to do something about my folly of the follicles. Reluctantly, she agreed, realizing that the haircut couldn't be much worse than any of the other COVIDian haircuts we've seen to date. With no previous experience, other than grooming our family dogs, the other day, she nervously sat me down and gave me what turned out to be a very good haircut. Regardless of my general disregard for my appearance, I confess that I do feel better after I've had a haircut. When I was a teen, I wore hair down to my shoulders, but these days, I like to keep it short. Some men might rock the balding-with-a-ponytail look, but not me. I sometimes wish I had my full head of long hair back, but that ship has clearly sailed. Thank you Shauna, for at least trying to make me presentable.
As well, Shauna has not been to a hair salon for many months. Prior to the pandemic, she would frequent the local salon to have her hair coloured and cut. Her hair grows quickly and in the 5 months of quarantining, she has 5 inches of new growth in addition to her otherwise full head of black hair. Consequently, the silver/white roots are becoming more prominent, making her even more self-conscious about her appearance. To me, she looks just like the woman I married 26 years ago, with some wisdom and experience sprinkled into the mix. I don't know who decided that grey hair, especially on a woman's head, is unattractive, but I don't agree. Last week, when Shauna finally went to the salon, her hairdresser said the colours of the new growth are beautiful and she convinced her to let the grey grow out, at least for now. I'm happy about that.
I'll likely get in trouble for this one, but the devil take the hindmost. By the way, where did that expression originate? Does it mean the devil is a grab ass? There has been a lot of controversy over the mask vs. no mask debate and, as I expected, some people on social media and in the news have whipped the issue up into an angry, disrespectful frenzy of venomous rhetoric. I am saddened that it has come to the point where any government feels the need to put such a law on the books. No doubt, such laws are unlikely to be enforced, nor would the increasingly unpopular police bother. I wear a mask and practise social distancing because I don't want to be the guy who unknowingly spreads the deadly virus to anyone else. My wife and 95.5 year-old mother-in-law are immune compromised, and I want them to be as safe as possible. I choose to take this mildly inconvenient precaution. I can't make other people do what I think is the right thing to do. Everyone seems to have a strong opinion about what is right and wrong. What astounds me is the amount of misinformation and spin that seems to surround this pandemic. If accredited doctors and scientists are still trying to figure it out, why are we taking our direction from uninformed leaders and internet hacks? I don't believe this pandemic is a hoax, foisted upon us to further some nefarious political agenda. I do think that a lack of leadership or any kind of coordinated national strategy will have serious consequences for everyone.
As for my friends and family in the United States, please stay safe. I heard that Disney World just reopened in Florida, a state where COVID-19 is clearly out of control. How do you socially distance yourselves on an amusement park ride? I think that Goofy and Donald Duck are going to need really big masks.
Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED